Have you ever been cheering for a team after an incredible score then were immediately paralyzed by body-cringing second-hand embarrassment? You must’ve been in Sun Life Stadium, cheering for the Miami Dolphins, as “Fins Up” polluted the loud speakers and infected your central nervous system.
“Fins Up” is an unpopular celebratory song played at every Miami Dolphins home game. The Dolphins do something good, then then you’re immediately greeted by Jimmy Buffett, poster boy for cheesy white-America, yelling ”Fins Up, Dolfans!” Fins Up! Really? Yes. Jimmy Buffett and the Dolphins are holding us all hostage.
Here’s a taste.
For crying out loud, the Dolphins organization has minority owners Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, Fergie and virtually any artist who has EVER lived in Miami at their creative disposal! Who do they choose to be the voice of their fan base? JIMMY Fuckin’ BUFFETT. They should be paying US to listen to that garbage. Or, at least lower the Land Shark Lager prices so to dull some of the pain as “Fins Up” is forced upon our ears. Is Land Shark Lager still in business?
Anyway, back to “Fins Up,”it is by far the most anticlimactic and embarrassing song in sports.
I don’t know if you can truly understand my displeasure, along with thousands of other ANGRY Dolphins fans, until you actually experience Jimmy
Buffett embarrassing you in person. Seriously, when your team scores a last second touchdown to win on Monday night, the last thing you want to see, or hear, is Jimmy Buffett. And to add to the embarrassment, he greets you with a big shit-eating Creepster grin, making his hands form like a shark fin on his head singing “Fins to Left, Fins to the right.”
If I were actually playing for the Miami Dolphins, I’d never want to score again. What a truly emasculating experience that must be. I’d demand a trade. In fact, since partnering with Jimmy Buffett in 2009, the Dolphins have gone a combined 20-28 and have not made the playoffs since. That’s 7-9 in 2009, 7-9 in 2010 and 6-10 in 2011.
So to Jimmy Buffet, the Dolphins, their craptastic “Fins Up” theme song, thousands of “Parrotheads” and the boat you rode in on, “Fins Up” and fuck you too.
Now, I don’t know what I’m more upset about. The crappy “Fins Up” song or the fact the Dolphins are catering to this fan base…